Believe me. Tutoring every evening is not exactly an easy job. Like working adults, I understand how it is to pull oneself from the bed when all you want is to take a nap from a long day- Yup, be it a long day of hard work or a long day of rest, it still is long. It gets longer when I have to wait for that jeep and get pinched in between passengers of a stuffed jeep. Honestly, at times, I feel a little lucky if its is some pretty girl. Things are worse when the jeep is the type with small windows that blocks most of the wind in addition to some fat guys sitting near me. I hate it when the lights are purple, blue or red. I hate it when the driver speeds up at humps. (Manong, knock the hell off…) Times are so bad when my seatmate has to be a sweaty, bulky, muscular man. I can’t breath, seriously. And when I thought things can’t get any worse, a woman with a pail of fresh squid enters. Now, you get the picture.
I usually take an overpass to get to a waiting jeep when going home.
I have witnessed accidents, a couple of them. Once there was a motorcycle behind us that fell of balance while in high speed. Then there was a speeding car, illogicaly, while approaching a U-turn slot. The driver failed to notice another car in front slowing down to enter the U-turn. The brakes slowed him down but that was not enough to prevent a collision and some injuries. The U-turn slot is some steps away from the spot where I stood, before climbing up the overpass. No one was dead, fortunately. Sometimes, I can’t help but think what would become of me when the speeding car’s driver panicked and turned sharp right- to the dead spot where I stood. Well, I might be exaggerating things but I could have been a goner. And maybe things could have been easier.
Plato said that death is not to be feared. Death must be another great adventure. I beg to disagree. Such philosophy is for the proud who believes that he is not attached to anything, liable to or of anything and is indebted to no one. Whoever that person is I pity him. Because he is alone. I personally don’t know death. I have seen loved ones go and I see death as stopping of body functions. More than that, I see it as a separation. It is to part without knowing where to go. It is to make those who love you cry when you cannot comfort them. Some are able to say last words like being there around always even after death. I say cut the crap of being there forever. Faith is another issue. Or maybe not. Belief in life after death is an incorporation of faith in Him and in your departed loved ones. I really hate the topic though.
As for me, I fear it because I think I don't understand it's opposite yet.. Yes, I think so. I fear death because I haven’t learned to live yet. I guess that’s the very reason why we fear it.
Now there’s so much of death here. I will talk about it some other time.
Let me just clear it. No matter how I look at life as tiring as my daily trips in and out of my campus and of myself, life is beautiful. It is beautiful because I can see things and tell if they are beautiful or not. It is beautiful because I know there is someone at the dormitory or some people at home who wants to see me. I miss them. And I need to be alive to feel that. Days will come that I will curse life and hate it. I will wish for death as the better alternative. But believe me I will live, not mainly for the reason that I am afraid to die or kill myself. I believe choosing death by free will is cowardice. It is an easy escape. And I am never a coward. I might not be always brave but not the far opposite. Yup, I will mess up. I will fail more but never will be a failure.
So I vow myself to life. It is the best gift from the Higher Being up there that I could ever have. Though the best, it is the same gift that I felt like leaving and giving up on because it feels wrong. It is like messing up a video game and you want to start it all over again. The problem is that there is no reset button. So these are not words of a resolution, a promise that I will be better or greater. But still, I vow myself to life. Maybe there’s life after death but I don’t know it. So I’m taking this short chance: To make each moment count for my Creator and the people around me. I vow to acceptance of my imperfection and to the task of leaving it. I vow to loyalty to the path I have taken not because there is no way out or any reset button. It is because it has taken me this far and let me meet the people important and dear to me.
Last ten minutes of my age as 20. Thank You Lord for everything.
You have given me chances. It is only I who missed grabbing them
I thank you for the things that made sense and the things that doesn’t for now. I hope I learn to understand them soon
Thank you Lord. Even if I always mess up, I love You.
Thanks for my mom and dad and for my girlfriend. I get mad with them at times but ,sincerely, they are the few who made sense in my life. May this life and its everyday be a prayer.
Thank You for this life you have given me. (March 18, 2009 11:50 PM)
09/18/09 1:30a
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